I Surrender

(Note: Today, I began writing about Surrender, only to find a piece I had written a couple of years ago, expressing my almost identical feelings about the same topic. And so this post is both a mix of my feelings then and now.)

Surrender. It seems to be a word that gets thrown around a lot. And I can’t say that I was ever very fond of it because I used to associate it with giving up. And I don’t like the idea of giving up a whole lot because it implies that I feel defeated or without strength.

But I have to be honest, these last few months have been all about Surrender for me and learning what it really means. Have I been in pain? Yeah, sometimes. Have I found all the reasons why things happen the way they do? No. I’m learning that for all the awareness we may have as people walking a ‘spiritual’ path, we may never know the reasons why some things are the way they are. Sure it can be helpful to see the blessings within our experiences, even search for them if we need to, but maybe the greatest peace comes from just accepting that life can be inexplicably mysterious and uncertain? I’m guessing that those who proclaim to have all the answers are probably the ones who….well, they are the ones who I am most weary of because it’s not being REAL. How can it be when we are always learning and growing? If we knew everything I believe we wouldn’t be living as human beings!
I like to pretend sometimes that I’m completely  with Divine Timing. But let’s face it, we all like to feel some kind of control and, of course, I have my fragile moments when I find myself clinging to every detail because I ‘just want things to be perfect’. As I lay awake late last night, wondering why my upcoming travel plans have been unusually confusing and unsettling, and arguing with my decision to re-schedule the flights for later in the year, I made the conscious choice to Surrender my  thought of what should happen and to trust that the situation is being taken care of for the highest good. And this morning, I received an ‘out of the blue’ call from my pianist asking me if I’d like to sing with her at a ‘disability awareness’ event in London on 8th September – a special opportunity that I would not be able to say yes to if I was sticking to my original itinerary! A sign? I think so!
So Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It just means that sometimes, ‘doing’ is not necessary and that letting go is then the only thing left if we want to find some relief. Knowing that God/the Angels/the Universe are working behind the scenes for me (and everyone) is so comforting. It might take me a few minutes, hours or even days to get back to that place of trust but I am so grateful to live a life where I know that they are there to help me! It doesn’t mean life is without challenges but it does mean that it’s possible to find ways to deal with them and move forward as best I can. I’ve had enough moments in my life (like the one today) to realize that, far from being defeated, Surrendering and saying ‘I don’t know what to do. I hand it over’ fills me with a strength to continue on and allow miraculous outcomes to appear! And that has got to be worth learning, hasn’t it?!
With my love,

Procrastinating, anyone?

Yes, that’s right – I’ve been doing one of two things very frequently this week. 1) Nothing or 2) Anything to avoid what I’m actually meant to be doing. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that Mercury finished it’s retrograde period a couple of days ago and we’re still in it’s ‘shadow’ before it moves direct once again, or if even that is an excuse for me not to ‘GET A MOVE ON!’ but the last few days have felt ever so sluggish to me. However, I still feel that nagging voice in the back of my head, reminding me that I have several things I really, really need to get done!

Just a few days ago I was feeling deflated and frustrated by ‘things not happening’ and yet, since I’ve had a welcome opportunity come my way, I am the one hesitating about the good I have been given or wondering if I am capable of doing what has been offered! The irony is not lost on me. And it reminds me that I am the only one getting in my own way of what I truly want.

How often do we ask for something and put the brakes on at the same time? How often do we get something and then push it away? How often to do we say ‘If I could just have (fill in the blank) then it would all be great!’ and then blind ourselves to the blessings right in front of us? Whether it be the relationship we want, a career boost, more money. It’s all one and the same. Because while our heart gets ever so excited at the idea, our fear creeps in and says ‘Hey, can I REALLY have what I want?’ ‘Do I really deserve it?’ ‘Who am I to be asking for that?’ And even if none of those feel applicable, a well-disguised whisper  remains: ‘Oh my goodness, my life will change! Is that OK?’ 

While we’re quick to harp on about our fear of failure, it strikes me that we are often just as daunted by the fact that we truly could have a life beyond our wildest dreams. And while I do so believe that anything is possible and have seen this in my own life many times, I am very aware that in the dawdling, non-committal effort with my to-do list, I am delaying the inevitable. The inevitable TRUTH that I, like all of us, have so much to give, to share, to live and I want to make the most of my time here on the planet! I absolutely know that our purpose here is about so much more than what we do (I was almost housebound with illness through my teens) but I also know that if we are being all that we are, that we very often cannot help but do!

In 2012, we are fortunate to have multitude of ways to express ourselves and our gifts and when we say YES to everything we are, opportunities like the one I have been given this week, are easily shown to us. We just need to get out of our own way and moooooove, because if we wait until we are ‘completely ready’ then, well, I guess we’ll be waiting a long time, eh?

In the words of the very wise, Sheldon Kopp (and you can join me in saying this, if you like):

“I’ve never began any important venture for which I felt adequate prepared”

Now I’ve got that off my chest and my delay tactics in check, I better get going. Radio show tonight and so much to be grateful for!

I’ll write again soon!

Much love and compassion my fellow procrastinators!


Where is the Love?

I rarely feel the need to comment on politics but sometimes life (in this case, two things I read while scrolling down my News Feed on Facebook) just makes me go ‘Huh? What century do we live in? Where is the Love?!’

As someone who has lived with physical challenges since birth, it particularly rattles me to see that in 2012, talented people are still being ‘turned away’ from something they would like to do because they use a wheelchair. I can understand people’s curiosity and therefore their questioning, but to decide how capable someone else is based on whether they can walk or not, seems completely upside down to me, particularly in the spiritual community where so many proclaim their belief in unconditional love! This example is just one of the reasons I have found myself battling with my own self-acceptance for many years.

As I write these words, I realize that this is the whole point, right? That if we are a reflection of eachother, and are still faced with so much discrimination, then it just shows how much we are all stuck in a very non-accepting place of ourselves. Of course, if I tried to explain that to the person who dismissed my friend or to the crowds who stood outside a U.S. restaurant yesterday in support of ‘traditional marriage’ (as opposed to same sex marriage) they would just roll their eyes. But – and I try to remember this as much as I can myself – how is it possible to be truly happy and peaceful at the same time as holding such strong judgement of other people? It isn’t. And what comes out of someone’s mouth is always about them, whereas how I react is up to me.

So here I go. Here I am judging the judgers. Here I am caught up in a prickly place because these kind of views really upset me. What can I do? I can look to myself. I can breathe and calm down. I can choose to speak my truth and yet not let other people’s fear and pain become the source of mine. I can decide to be kinder to myself and consciously choose peace. And with perfect timing, too. Because in the last week, since I had a very powerful healing session, and then felt the Angels wings around me on Saturday (see my last post) I have been experiencing myself in a whole new way! I am not going to pretend I’ve been jumping up and down with joy, or that everything has changed in seven days but given that this whole year has been hugely transformative for me and I’m constantly feeling ‘new’, I am beginning to see very real evidence that layers of my self judgement are being steadily and surprisingly unravelled: I have looked at myself in the mirror and been proud of what I have seen. I have glanced down at my legs whilst wearing a mini-dress and remarked that they looked ‘nice’. It may not seem like much but for someone who has spent decades fighting the body I chose, it could not be more significant or profound. I am quietly excited at what will happen next and at the far reaching implications that this deeper acceptance will begin to have on the rest of my life.

And so, while I cannot do much about those who still use colour, race, physical ability, sexual preference, (you name it), as reasons to separate us, I can choose to remember all the ways we are the same, how we are all doing the best we can with what we know and that, in truth, despite our best efforts to try and prove otherwise, there is absolutely NOTHING that keeps ANYONE from being divinely perfect, loved and loveable… just as they are… and that includes the person in the mirror.

May there be peace in the world and may it start with me!

With much love,

Anna xxx