Grief and Gratitude

This morning, my shower was once again my sanctuary. As the water ran over my tired body, tears also flowed as if they finally had space to be set free. I thought of the people in Nepal whose lives have literally been shaken up and torn apart in a matter of seconds; of the after shocks that must be rippling through their land and their hearts; of the unimaginable pain and fear they must be going through. I inhaled and called upon God and the Angels to help them and then me, so that I didn’t feel so much. But in that same breath, I stopped myself.

‘Why not feel it? Why not feel the pain for a moment, whoever it belongs to?’ I thought. As a sensitive person, I am acutely aware of how important it is to stay in my own energy and not to carry other people’s pain but in this case, I wanted to stay with it. To allow my beating heart that was One with everything to just feel what it felt.

As my mind was flooded with images of the devastation in Nepal, and other places I could not name, I could barely think straight. It was unimaginable, even though it felt like part of me had been transported there. It all happened very quickly but I sent as much love as I could and soon, the pictures altered to remind me of those closer to home. The grief of losing a child, a sister, a partner; those who had lost their hair, their limbs, their money, the life they once knew. It all came rising up. My heart ached for them, and suddenly myself, as my own grief surfaced in the tears. Tears that I could not run to lift my nephew up yesterday when he wanted a hug; for the times that will happen over and over again, for the kind of passionate love I am yet to experience, for the touch I am yet to know, for how it all feels so far away. For the way my teenage years were spent being in pain every day; and how I have to think so much about whether I can travel to London tomorrow to see a friend because I can’t just jump on and off a train or a tube like hundreds of others do. For all the things I have missed out on and those that might always remain a dream. And, and, and…

I began chastising myself for being so self-pitying when I was enjoying a hot shower in a comfy, safe home. I do not have a life-threatening illness, I have not lost a child, nor was I in Nepal. My feelings seemed a little ridiculous at first. But grief is grief. How often do we stand in judgment of ourselves or others rather than remembering how alike we all truly are — how we are all doing the best we can with what we know? And honestly, what I know right now is that it doesn’t serve anyone — least of all ourselves —  to compare anything or to belittle our feelings. They matter. Because we matter.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. But I also believe that some things may never make sense. I do believe that life is amazing and there is so much to be thankful for but it is also HARD and to deny that is to be a robot. I don’t want to be a robot, I want to be a human. I want to be REAL. I want to be surrounded by others who show me who they are, too. Including their tears. To me, that’s when I get to bear witness to how beautiful and brave they are.

And so, I believe that grief and gratitude are not exclusive. They can walk hand and hand together in our life experience. In fact, I think allowing ourselves to ride the waves of human loss, to break down, to fall apart, to allow ourselves to be cracked open, so to speak, is actually what makes way for a deeper sense of gratitude and faith. It is the reason I do what I do, the reason why I celebrate life as much as I can because I know how painful the flip side can be. It is the reason why some of the people I love most have epic stories of triumph in adversity, because I am drawn to that same fire behind their eyes that says ‘I survived. I now choose to live and I will not waste a moment.’

So whatever you feel, feel it. Give yourself permission to go into that place where you’re mad, sad and heartbroken, even for a few minutes. That is where healing begins, even when we least expect it. Even in the shower on a Sunday morning with the Beatles playing on the radio.

My love and prayers are with you all. Whenever you are in the world.

Anna
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Thank You, Pain

Most of you know by now that I truly believe in the power of gratitude as a conscious, daily practise. For me, it is the quickest way to shift my mood, to change my life – to create miracles!

However, I know that while it is easy to say THANK YOU for joy, peace and excitement, what about the rest? Can we be thankful for the less obvious good? Even if it broke our heart…open? We needn’t deny our hurt and disappointment in the process but in my experience, it is often the most challenging moments that reveal the true strength and power of our Spirit, and remind us of who and what truly matters.

For those reasons alone, I find myself grateful and forgiving, not just today but many times over.  It is, as I said, a daily practise for me and not always easy to remember.

The following words flowed through me a couple of years ago and though it was written to express my own feelings, I am sharing it with you now because it’s is essentially about this very topic – about focusing on my huge blessings in disguise  –  and you may relate to it, too.

THANK YOU for being here and reading about life and love as I know it (now)!

Anna

THANKFUL

I am thankful for the words that hurt me,
and open a wound to bleed.
I am thankful for the tears I cry,
and how they set me free.
I am thankful for eyes that show me,
and the truth I begin to see.
I am thankful for the ways I love
and the heart I wear upon my sleeve.

I am thankful for the scars that mark me
and remind me I am whole
I am thankful for my heavy metal
never recognized as gold
I am thankful for every story
and the lies both bought and sold
I am thankful for the time that wasn’t
and those that couldn’t ever know

I am thankful for the ties that break me
and prove to me I’m strong
I am thankful for the chance to choose again
when the rest is all but gone
I am thankful for all the bruises
that breathe life into my song
I am thankful for the ways I love
and for the me I can become…

© Anna Taylor 2012

 

The Greatest Love Of All

Today, I was looking through some old channelled messages from the Angels and found this very personal one from September 2008. Part of me began to wonder if I have come any further along the proverbial road of ‘Self Love’ since then. But I KNOW I have. Simply because of what I have allowed into my life and what I now believe to be true about myself. It is just appropriate to be reminded of this again, on the eve of what I call ‘Love Day’. Let’s peel another layer and LOVE ourselves more, OK?

Love to you!
Anna

I was going to bed the other night, thinking about how I feel about myself and how IN THE PAST my own self esteem issues have blocked me from what I want most in life (ironic really!) and the Angels said:

“Do you remember just how PERFECT you are?” 

“Umm, yes”, I said….

The Angels said “Your version of perfect is quite distorted. The world in which you live strives for the kind of perfection that is never fulfilling, or isn’t until you really get the meaning of what we see as perfection – that is YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES. 

“Yes”, I said. I know that. “I’m just trying to really GET it.”

“We know. But remember not to make it too complicated. Just be. Just let yourself be who you are. Take time out for yourself, honour your own space, your own desires, your dreams. We know that you do this but for some reason you do all of that and then get caught up on the outer appearance of everyone else and try to compare it with others. Who said that walking as “they” do is best? It’s just different Anna, and you know what we say about different. That different is different only to remind others that in truth EVERYONE is the same. 

“So why do some people not see that?” I said.

“Because some people are trying to look outside themselves for the Divine. And even you are to a certain point, Anna. Because if you truly remembered who you are then your body would just feel like another amazing divine part of you and those people that decide to announce how different you are, are just there because you choose to hear them.” 

“So what do I do now?”

“You are doing well, Anna. We see you honouring yourself so much more. We see that you are finally beginning to welcome your body as part of You. And it is not ALL of you but it is a precious gift that you have given yourself. You’ll see. But now you must do your best to take the word “compare” or “different” out of your vocabulary. And in the mean time, not care about the reactions of others. Maybe, when someone “notices” you, you could see it that you are just allowing another to see how unique each one of you is. For all you know, those people that stare and ask about you could, like you, be helping to change Earth’s perception of “perfection” – one person at a time. So thank God for that. Thank yourself for that. Because the You that decided to come to Earth this way, knew what You were doing…”

“OK, yes, that’s a good reminder. I did. Not easy. But I do remember that. It brings tears. But I think it’s because I remember. So what about the visions I’ve had of me dancing? I saw myself running on a track last week. How does that fit in with it all?”

“That fits because it is the truth. Because you CAN do all those things. And ARE already in many ways. But again, just not in ways that you (or others) might expect. And you receive those visions as a reminder that your prayers ARE heard and answered. Just because you chose your body as it is now, it does not mean it cannot change as you remember more of who you are. BUT dear Anna, remember, when you are running, dancing and all of that you are not MORE perfect! Because you cannot be MORE perfect. You are as you are!”

“Thank you. So if I chose my body for particular reasons, it’s OK to want to be “freer” in those ways now?”

“Yes, Anna. It is always OK. You are always free to change and choose again. Especially if it brings more peace. There is just no pressure from us. And those who truly love you will love you anyway. But as we’ve said, it’s most important for you to LOVE YOU no matter what! And THAT is what inspires another. And, if that feeling and knowing leads to you experiencing that “change” in your body so you ARE more able to dance and run as you desire, then that will inspire another too. But let yourself inspire yourself first. Be your own inspiration. That is the true miracle. To remember who you truly are…..we see you, we know you. 

It was one of those moments that helped kick my ego out for a while and remember what matters! I love those Angels for loving me. It’s good for me to be here in this moment. I AM feeling good about ME. Ahhhh, another layer……another step closer to, as Whitney Houston says, “The Greatest Love of All”. May we ALL feel that Love and in turn, change the whole word…”

Do You Feel Behind?

It feels like AGES since I last posted a message here – and that’s probably because it is! There are no excuses except that I’ve had a lot to juggle and sometimes there are things that get left behind.

The only thing with that is, I felt bad about not writing and especially so when I’ve found myself needing to rest because I’ve felt like I ‘should’ be doing something. Like writing to you!

However, as I am reminded of the words I’ve shared with you in a previous post ‘Would I say that to my best friend?’  I realize the answer – no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be so harsh with anyone needing to take a break. So instead, I have just had to let it be, knowing that my blog and those who read it would still be here when I had the time and the inspiration to post. And now I do!

I actually spent most of my young life feeling like I needed to ‘play catch up’. From as far back as I can remember, I worked hard to do the things that my friends and family had done before me – crawling, walking, playing sports, going out, working, earning money – they were all things I did later than usual and nothing ever felt good enough because there was always something MORE to do to be like everyone else. Nobody ever actually said that but I never felt particularly acknowledged for what I WAS doing and so in my head I was constantly battling with the need to ‘do better’.

Of course, I now understand that there is always more to do. Life is full of opportunities. However, that doesn’t mean I, or any of us,  have to compare where we are with others and then decide that it isn’t enough, neither do we have to spend our time focused on what we haven’t done yet!

The Angels recently spoke to me and said:

‘You have not missed out, you have not been left behind and there is nothing you need to do to catch up. Where you are right now is perfect. Be fully present and enjoy the gift that is this moment.’

That’s the thing. We ARE exactly where we need to be. Even when things feel stuck. Actually, especially when things feel stuck! We’ve just finished a Mercury retrograde (where the planet seemingly goes backwards) which is a period of time that allows us all to reflect, re-evaluate, release, to re-visit. Any of those sound familar? The intensity is not always easy and I’m breathing a sigh of relief that we can begin to feel movement again too, but just like the ebb and flow of the tide we need those quiet, reflective times so that the next steps forward again can be even more wonderful! I have found myself needing to be very still this past week and while my ego likes to argue with that, I also trust that is what I need so I’ve done my best to honour that and just BE.

So whatever you haven’t done, whatever isn’t happening, whatever you feel behind with, RELAX! Let go of guilt and of any ‘should’ or ‘have to’ because they will only weigh you down and rob you of the gift of where you are which is completely and utterly Divine.

And you know what? When you remember that everything flows anyway. Promise. 😉

Much love and compassion to you,

Anna

Angelic Holiday Help

If there’s any time of year where more people are reminded of Angels, it’s at Christmas! They are everywhere – on cards, in carols and nativity plays, and on top of Christmas trees! But I believe, along with many others, they are not just for Christmas, and are very real, non-denominational, unconditionally loving beings who are with every single one of us on Earth, without exception. The word ‘Angel’ literally means messenger and they exist to help us with anything that will bring us peace.

Many people I talk to associate Angels only with major life – changing situations or crisis and while that can be true, they really are here to help us with anything, just as long as we ask! They do not judge us or any circumstances in our lives as more or less important, and are happy to help us no matter what.
As well as our own guardian Angels who are personal to us, there are several Archangels with purposes such as healing, protection, communication, creativity and more. It is not selfish to call upon them as these Archangels (and angels) have no time or space restrictions and can simultaneously be with any one of us and work alongside our guardian angels to assist us with whatever we need. Each Archangel has a particular role and it can be helpful to call on their specific help.
Archangel Jophiel, for example, is a wonderful feminine Archangel to invoke during this season. Her name means beauty and can relax and uplift us if we are feeling overwhelmed or stressed by a big ‘to-do’ list, including helping to find the perfect gifts for our family and friends. This may seem trivial in the scheme of things but as I mentioned before, nothing is trivial to the Angels if it is meaningful to us and will help us to stay peaceful. And who doesn’t want to get their Christmas shopping done easily?! Also, if the Christmas period is emotionally challenging, we can call upon Jophiel’s presence to boost and ‘beautify’ our mood.
Archangel Raphael is another great Archangel, this time with a more masculine energy, who is known as a very powerful healer. He is always the first one I call upon for any assistance with physical ailments which can be especially common during these winter months! I like to visualise his emerald green light around me and my body or any loved ones who are feeling unwell. Like Jophiel, he is also very nurturting and can calm any situation. He is also wonderful in assisting with all aspects of travel so it can be beneficial to ask him to help you and your loved ones if you making any kind of journey to see eachother during the holidays.
We can invoke these (or any) Angels presence by asking out loud, in our minds or through writing – it doesn’t matter how we ask, just that we do! They are ever – present and waiting for our call! You can be specific as you like or by simply saying something like: ‘Thank you Angels for your being with me and for helping me and my loved ones enjoy a peaceful, happy Christmas. And so it is!’
Blessings to you!
Anna