Grief and Gratitude

This morning, my shower was once again my sanctuary. As the water ran over my tired body, tears also flowed as if they finally had space to be set free. I thought of the people in Nepal whose lives have literally been shaken up and torn apart in a matter of seconds; of the after shocks that must be rippling through their land and their hearts; of the unimaginable pain and fear they must be going through. I inhaled and called upon God and the Angels to help them and then me, so that I didn’t feel so much. But in that same breath, I stopped myself.

‘Why not feel it? Why not feel the pain for a moment, whoever it belongs to?’ I thought. As a sensitive person, I am acutely aware of how important it is to stay in my own energy and not to carry other people’s pain but in this case, I wanted to stay with it. To allow my beating heart that was One with everything to just feel what it felt.

As my mind was flooded with images of the devastation in Nepal, and other places I could not name, I could barely think straight. It was unimaginable, even though it felt like part of me had been transported there. It all happened very quickly but I sent as much love as I could and soon, the pictures altered to remind me of those closer to home. The grief of losing a child, a sister, a partner; those who had lost their hair, their limbs, their money, the life they once knew. It all came rising up. My heart ached for them, and suddenly myself, as my own grief surfaced in the tears. Tears that I could not run to lift my nephew up yesterday when he wanted a hug; for the times that will happen over and over again, for the kind of passionate love I am yet to experience, for the touch I am yet to know, for how it all feels so far away. For the way my teenage years were spent being in pain every day; and how I have to think so much about whether I can travel to London tomorrow to see a friend because I can’t just jump on and off a train or a tube like hundreds of others do. For all the things I have missed out on and those that might always remain a dream. And, and, and…

I began chastising myself for being so self-pitying when I was enjoying a hot shower in a comfy, safe home. I do not have a life-threatening illness, I have not lost a child, nor was I in Nepal. My feelings seemed a little ridiculous at first. But grief is grief. How often do we stand in judgment of ourselves or others rather than remembering how alike we all truly are — how we are all doing the best we can with what we know? And honestly, what I know right now is that it doesn’t serve anyone — least of all ourselves —  to compare anything or to belittle our feelings. They matter. Because we matter.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. But I also believe that some things may never make sense. I do believe that life is amazing and there is so much to be thankful for but it is also HARD and to deny that is to be a robot. I don’t want to be a robot, I want to be a human. I want to be REAL. I want to be surrounded by others who show me who they are, too. Including their tears. To me, that’s when I get to bear witness to how beautiful and brave they are.

And so, I believe that grief and gratitude are not exclusive. They can walk hand and hand together in our life experience. In fact, I think allowing ourselves to ride the waves of human loss, to break down, to fall apart, to allow ourselves to be cracked open, so to speak, is actually what makes way for a deeper sense of gratitude and faith. It is the reason I do what I do, the reason why I celebrate life as much as I can because I know how painful the flip side can be. It is the reason why some of the people I love most have epic stories of triumph in adversity, because I am drawn to that same fire behind their eyes that says ‘I survived. I now choose to live and I will not waste a moment.’

So whatever you feel, feel it. Give yourself permission to go into that place where you’re mad, sad and heartbroken, even for a few minutes. That is where healing begins, even when we least expect it. Even in the shower on a Sunday morning with the Beatles playing on the radio.

My love and prayers are with you all. Whenever you are in the world.

Anna

We See You: An Angel Message

Dear Ones

We see you. We know who you are. And we wanted to remind you this day that who you are is powerful, beautiful and completely LOVEable. Any other thought or idea you have about yourself that makes you feel less than this is merely an illusion. You are human, yes indeed, and so we honour every emotion that you may feel on your journey through life and have compassion for everything that you experience. But we do not focus on your seeming mistakes or judgements because we know that they are simply learning curves for you to come back to understanding the real TRUTH of your existence as a Divine, perfect soul who is capable of anything – whose LOVE knows no bounds, whose JOY is the reason for being alive right now.

And so we ask you today to take one second to see yourself and others with this knowing. Ask us to show you, to help you with this feeling of LOVE and then you will begin to recognize the choices you have made in coming to Earth and how absolutely wonderful it is for you to be on the planet with the variety it offers you.

It is a time of great change, we know this and we understand that it takes great courage for you to shift your lives in the moment. But please know that we are here to support you with anything you need because as we shared earlier, there is nothing we see other than your greatness and so it is our pleasure to assist you in experiencing this greatness for yourselves. We ask you to ponder these questions, ‘What would you do if you had no fear? What makes your heart sing? What fills you with the most LOVE? Because you ARE LOVE and so when you feel this LOVE you really are feeling exactly who you are and why you are here. So then there no need to concern yourself with if you were doing the ‘right’ thing because the ‘right’ thing is ALWAYS for you to be who you are in all your glory.

These may seem simple questions and answers for you but truly life is and CAN be simple. Going back to basics, so to speak, is what is necessary now. The complications are only created by fear, by your ego, that forgets the truth. And we see so much potential for your growth now and beyond if you keep these questions in your mind. Make decisions from this place in your heart. Act from this place that knows that miracles are not only possible but inevitable when you follow the calling inside of you to be the shiniest, the most vibrant most amazing YOU you can be! Believe us, when we say that we see this YOU all the time. And we celebrate every step you make in the journey to discover the treasures within and all around you.

You really are BEAUTIFUL. So go ahead. Make a choice now to begin to see it for yourself. And then let the world see it. Choose to make the most out of every minute and we’ll be right with you, cheering you on as your biggest fans. We LOVE YOU. We really do.

Your Angels

Thank You, Pain

Most of you know by now that I truly believe in the power of gratitude as a conscious, daily practise. For me, it is the quickest way to shift my mood, to change my life – to create miracles!

However, I know that while it is easy to say THANK YOU for joy, peace and excitement, what about the rest? Can we be thankful for the less obvious good? Even if it broke our heart…open? We needn’t deny our hurt and disappointment in the process but in my experience, it is often the most challenging moments that reveal the true strength and power of our Spirit, and remind us of who and what truly matters.

For those reasons alone, I find myself grateful and forgiving, not just today but many times over.  It is, as I said, a daily practise for me and not always easy to remember.

The following words flowed through me a couple of years ago and though it was written to express my own feelings, I am sharing it with you now because it’s is essentially about this very topic – about focusing on my huge blessings in disguise  –  and you may relate to it, too.

THANK YOU for being here and reading about life and love as I know it (now)!

Anna

THANKFUL

I am thankful for the words that hurt me,
and open a wound to bleed.
I am thankful for the tears I cry,
and how they set me free.
I am thankful for eyes that show me,
and the truth I begin to see.
I am thankful for the ways I love
and the heart I wear upon my sleeve.

I am thankful for the scars that mark me
and remind me I am whole
I am thankful for my heavy metal
never recognized as gold
I am thankful for every story
and the lies both bought and sold
I am thankful for the time that wasn’t
and those that couldn’t ever know

I am thankful for the ties that break me
and prove to me I’m strong
I am thankful for the chance to choose again
when the rest is all but gone
I am thankful for all the bruises
that breathe life into my song
I am thankful for the ways I love
and for the me I can become…

© Anna Taylor 2012

 

The Angels’ Voice: A Message for Messengers

Today, I write to acknowledge the voice that says I cannot. The incessant, nagging voice that has become increasingly loud at the first sign of an opportunity to share my writing more publicly. The voice that tries to convince me that there is nothing I could write that hasn’t already been done, and that even if there was, it could be far more eloquently and skillfully expressed by someone with a college education or at the very least, more experience of writing – and of life.

It is a hesitant, anxious voice that pulls me back to a time when I fully immersed myself in creativity, only to be exposed to a barrage of criticism and judgement. The voice that even pulls me away from sitting here, giving me countless reasons why I should divert my attention to something else more important. It is almost paralyzing in it’s assault, which only enforces the feeling that I am unqualified and incapable…

However, as I give this voice some space to air itself, I feel another warm, friendly tone rising up above the fear. The voice that reminds me, as it always does, that comparing myself to anyone or anything is completely unnecessary and who I am, the road I’ve travelled, and what I’ve learned along the way is unique; that as I show up, authentically as me, those who are drawn to my energy and my perspective will show up, too. Whether that be one, or a thousand or even a million people is not up to me, but it is up to me to decide to be the messenger I have always known myself to be. This soothing voice, fills me to the brim and coaxes me into remembering that this sense of purpose, this calling within my heart, is the only qualification I need. So all I have to do, as this moment proves, is to be REAL because the quest for human perfection is the number one reason for procrastination and inactivity. And, as if to lift me from my slumber, the voice gently repeats a truth I’ve heard many times: I am, as every other soul is, Divinely perfect. And this is my message. This is THE message within my writing here and maybe the only message there ever truly is: I am enough. We are ALL enough.

This is the voice of love, this is the Angels’ Voice. I am listening. I am allowing. I am sharing. I AM.

*****************************

*Inspiration is inspiration. It is not logical or planned. It is spontaneous and magical. It is not to be justified or explained, because some things are just unexplainable. Except that it can make the non-sensical seem like the most sensible and only thing left to do. And turn an ordinary person, place and moment into the most extraordinary hero, journey and gift.

©Anna Taylor

*This paragraph was written in 2011