Exchanging Pain for Peace

It’s been an intense few days, I must admit. I’ve not slept very well, because my body has been less than comfortable and the not sleeping has only added to my uncomfortableness. Throw in some nausea and well, you get the picture!

I’ve dealt with various physical challenges and illnesses through my life, and while I am well now, people often assume I must be ‘good at dealing with pain’. I would disagree. I am not good with it at all and quite frankly, don’t want to be. Because it’s not who I am.

However, I have realized that ‘fighting’ my body doesn’t work either. There are a million different ‘why’s’ and ‘how comes’ that I’ve asked myself over the years and the reasons may be apparent sometimes, but not always. When this is the case, whether it be a physical or emotional challenge, it can become easy to slip into  ‘why me?’ but that doesn’t work either. That’s victim-hood and serves no one. That is saying ‘I am the pain. The pain is me.‘ The truth is, life happens and if I take a look around, I am humbly aware that each one of us goes through struggles. Hand on my heart, most days I consider myself incredibly blessed.

And so, in times of pain or difficulty, I do my best to ask myself what I can do, what I do have control over, because no matter the circumstances, I can decide how I react. And anyone who knows me well, knows that sometimes my reactions are downright ugly! Ha! However, after talking to some dear friends of mine today,  I realized that the heaviest weight we can all carry about our circumstances is guilt. The kind that lurks in background and says:

‘I should know better!’ ‘I’ve done so much to help myself, what am I missing?’ ‘I am obviously doing something wrong to still be dealing with this!’ ‘I’m clearly not as spiritual as them if i am dealing with this.’ 

Believe it or notI once had a so-called friend tell me that until I was free of my wheelchair and walking like everyone else, I would not be in my power! Needless to say, I was not the one who had forgotten her power and our friendship was never the same after that!

Anyway, I digress. Those questions are another form of victimhood and fear. So how ever much we’ve been taught to analyse ourselves, how much good do these lurking thoughts actually do us, other than to further beat ourselves up? None! How much energy could we save by turning our attention away from trying to figure things out and focusing on what nurtures us? A lot! And how much do we believe that we have to suffer to grow or to teach others? How much do we believe that we are so used to suffering that is just part of what we have to deal with? Perhaps far more than we realize…

So today I made the decision to let go. To let go again. Because I can. To interrupt the patterns that keep me bound in my experience and say ‘I exchange all pain for peace’.

Mother Mary and the Angels who so lovingly encircle themselves around me, reminded me of the power of those words and so I share them with you, too. And if you are still in pain, that’s OK. I will not proclaim to feel 100% great either. But I do feel more at peace with whatever is happening and that makes all the difference in the world because it gives me hope and that means anything is possible! Woohoo! I believe in miracles!

I love you and all your challenges. But I see beyond them. I see you. And I choose to see myself in the same light.

Anna

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Dear Dreams…

This is actually a message I wrote back in 2009, when I was dreaming of making my album. Just a few months later, I had the money to record my songs and all kinds of things began to happen. It feels like I’m on the edge of new dreams and ready for them to come true! How about you? Don’t lose heart. It’s not easy to keep believing sometimes but to me, life is nothing without dreams and they are REAL! I believe, do you? And if your dreams could speak to you now, what would they ask of you? What would they reply?

Something to think about… for me, anyway!

Dear Dreams

I just wanted to connect with you again. It feels like you’ve been distant lately or maybe it’s me that’s been distant from you. But I want you to know that I have not forgotten you. You are always in my heart. I guess it’s just that sometimes when I do not see you in front of me, right with me, well, I need reminding that you are simply waiting for the perfect moment for us to meet face to face. You see, I have always believed that can happen. I had to. You were what kept me alive for so long and I am very thankful for that. I will never forget the times when I had nothing else to do but close my eyes and think of you. That warmth you gave me when I felt cold. The way you made me smile from the inside out and helped me remember that there is so much more to life than the seconds we hear ticking on the clock. 

As a little girl, we happily played in our own little world, while others would wonder where I’d go and ask me to ‘wake up’. But I was awake! I just liked to be with you, more than I liked to learn how to do maths! And I knew that being with you was the most fun I could have, even when I didn’t really know what you were or how to explain you to the world. So thank you for helping me then and for staying with me too, through all the times when I tried to push you away. There were many in my life who did not believe you were real and I listened to them for a while. But then I realized that you were what filled me with hope, that believing in you meant that there was reason for all of the days I spent in the dark. Because you just seemed to get bigger and brighter and more exciting every time I wanted to give up on you, almost as if you knew I needed more.

And this is why I am connecting with you again today because I am a little tired and I need more. I need you to show me again that you are coming into my life. I’ve seen you before, but in this moment, it seems, even though you have indeed brought me gifts throughout the years, that they do not come close to the way I want see you now, and so it feels like I haven not seen you in life times. My heart aches for you. I don’t want to be angry with you but I am. I don’t want to feel let down by you but I do. Why would you show me how amazing you are and then let me spend so long without you? Please tell me you’re not too far away. I keep thinking you are close but then my mind wanders and you feel far away again…so let me know what I can do right now so that we can be together. Maybe I just need to spend more time with you? To feel you. Like I am doing now. My tears flow because I know all you’ve ever asked of me is to have faith in you as you do me. Though it’s funny, because, as much as I have loved you and wanted you, I used to be afraid of you and the changes your presence might bring to my life and so, any faith I had in you was dimmed very easily. But now, I can honestly say that any fear I feel is miniscule compared to the desire I have to be with you every day. Because I understand that I am taken care of with each step and that a life with you in it is the life I am meant to live.

So I close my eyes once again and thank God for you and for the way my heart feels when I imagine you. I could not be me without you. So let’s meet in the middle, eh? Everything I need to bring you to me and me to you is easily and effortlessly available. I welcome you with open arms. You feel like Heaven On Earth. And I want to share my Heaven with the world now.

Love,
Anna

The Beginning of Blogging

Hello Friends,

It’s slightly strange for me to be writing a blog because I’ve never been quite sure of what I’d actually do if I had one… and I’m still not! But for some reason, it feels right to begin now and, as a friend pointed out, I’m very rarely short of something to say! So here I go…

Expect the unexpected’ is my thought for today, because once again I have been reminded of just how important that is – at least for me. How often do we try to control the outcome of a situation or think that something has gone ‘wrong’ because it didn’t quite turn out as we’d hoped? I’ve realized that it’s when we think we know, we get shown that we have no idea! And we may as well let ‘whatever it is’ be ‘whatever it is’. Because ‘whatever it is’, more often than not, works out in ways we could not imagine at the time. Right?

Perhaps that’s the case with this blog, too. And I must say, that though it’s title (like my radio show) is Anna and the Angels, because they are indeed a huge part of my life, I am a human being – surprise, surprise! So while what I post may at times be wise and profound, it may also be far from it! But I do promise you this: what I share will always come from the very real, emotional, often playful, unashamedly wonky places in my heart, giving you a glimpse into life and love as I know it… then.

I look forward to sharing more with you!

Much love,

Anna xxx