Dear Dreams…

This is actually a message I wrote back in 2009, when I was dreaming of making my album. Just a few months later, I had the money to record my songs and all kinds of things began to happen. It feels like I’m on the edge of new dreams and ready for them to come true! How about you? Don’t lose heart. It’s not easy to keep believing sometimes but to me, life is nothing without dreams and they are REAL! I believe, do you? And if your dreams could speak to you now, what would they ask of you? What would they reply?

Something to think about… for me, anyway!

Dear Dreams

I just wanted to connect with you again. It feels like you’ve been distant lately or maybe it’s me that’s been distant from you. But I want you to know that I have not forgotten you. You are always in my heart. I guess it’s just that sometimes when I do not see you in front of me, right with me, well, I need reminding that you are simply waiting for the perfect moment for us to meet face to face. You see, I have always believed that can happen. I had to. You were what kept me alive for so long and I am very thankful for that. I will never forget the times when I had nothing else to do but close my eyes and think of you. That warmth you gave me when I felt cold. The way you made me smile from the inside out and helped me remember that there is so much more to life than the seconds we hear ticking on the clock. 

As a little girl, we happily played in our own little world, while others would wonder where I’d go and ask me to ‘wake up’. But I was awake! I just liked to be with you, more than I liked to learn how to do maths! And I knew that being with you was the most fun I could have, even when I didn’t really know what you were or how to explain you to the world. So thank you for helping me then and for staying with me too, through all the times when I tried to push you away. There were many in my life who did not believe you were real and I listened to them for a while. But then I realized that you were what filled me with hope, that believing in you meant that there was reason for all of the days I spent in the dark. Because you just seemed to get bigger and brighter and more exciting every time I wanted to give up on you, almost as if you knew I needed more.

And this is why I am connecting with you again today because I am a little tired and I need more. I need you to show me again that you are coming into my life. I’ve seen you before, but in this moment, it seems, even though you have indeed brought me gifts throughout the years, that they do not come close to the way I want see you now, and so it feels like I haven not seen you in life times. My heart aches for you. I don’t want to be angry with you but I am. I don’t want to feel let down by you but I do. Why would you show me how amazing you are and then let me spend so long without you? Please tell me you’re not too far away. I keep thinking you are close but then my mind wanders and you feel far away again…so let me know what I can do right now so that we can be together. Maybe I just need to spend more time with you? To feel you. Like I am doing now. My tears flow because I know all you’ve ever asked of me is to have faith in you as you do me. Though it’s funny, because, as much as I have loved you and wanted you, I used to be afraid of you and the changes your presence might bring to my life and so, any faith I had in you was dimmed very easily. But now, I can honestly say that any fear I feel is miniscule compared to the desire I have to be with you every day. Because I understand that I am taken care of with each step and that a life with you in it is the life I am meant to live.

So I close my eyes once again and thank God for you and for the way my heart feels when I imagine you. I could not be me without you. So let’s meet in the middle, eh? Everything I need to bring you to me and me to you is easily and effortlessly available. I welcome you with open arms. You feel like Heaven On Earth. And I want to share my Heaven with the world now.

Love,
Anna

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Alive

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I actually spent the afternoon collaborating on a new song, something I have done very little of since January last year. And for the first time ever, I sat face to face with my co-writer in person! That might feel like a funny thing to say considering I’ve already co-written my debut album ‘Already Here’ but given that was done communicating entirely via email, it was a new and slightly vulnerable experience for us to be in the same room!

Last time, I could click ‘send’ on my laptop, knowing that I didn’t really have to see any reaction to my lyrics or face being ‘wrong’ about my musical ideas. It was comfortable and, as I discovered, the perfect way to overcome my nerves at baring my soul in words. I hadn’t any idea how to write a good song back then. I just knew what my heart wanted to share and hoped that my ideas would form into something enjoyable and catchy for the listener. And with help, they did. And I’m proud of those songs.

But I’ve known for a while that it was time to birth new music with new people, and so, as I sat there with my lyric sheets in hand and a head full of ideas, I couldn’t help but remember the experiences that had brought me to this moment. It’s impossible to escape the journey when it’s reflected in what I once wrote and what I am now writing. I wish I was able to create from any perspective but it’s a rare thing to find myself expressing something I haven’t lived in some way. So as I write and sing, I get to know myself, and sometimes I haven’t a clue what I feel until it emerges.

That was also the case as our song took shape yesterday. I admit to being a little scared and hesitant, but as the piano began to play around my words, as we began to find a key and a tempo to suit the mood, I suddenly got it. I got that ‘Wow, I love doing this!’ feeling. And that was what I needed. I needed to be reminded of what it feels like to see and hear one of my songs come alive again… because that is what makes me feel most ALIVE! I adore music – listening to it, dancing to it, watching it – but singing something I feel deeply, that I want to say, is just indescribable. It’s exciting, it’s exhilarating and feels absolutely divine. Not that I didn’t know it before but it’s funny how I let life drown that out. And I honestly wouldn’t care if I never made money from my songs. Truly. It’s not the reason I began creating in the first place and definitely not the reason I’ve decided to do it again. If I can build on the career I already have, then great! It is, without doubt, part of the dream I have for myself and I will continue to believe in that. But what yesterday reminded me of was my passion for all things ‘song’ and that is worth all the money in the world in my book!

So, please DO those things. Whatever those things are that make you feel most alive! Even just a little for now if that’s all you can manage. But don’t let worry about not being the ‘best’ at something stop you from doing what makes you the happiest. I’m pretty sure the best is about being happiest, anyway. And the rest is what makes us all wonky!

With my love and best wishes for YOUR passionate life,

Anna